Relationship stressors are an inevitable part of human connection. Whether it’s a disagreement with your partner, tension with a family member, or friction with a colleague, how you navigate these moments determines the health and longevity of your relationships. This article unpacks seven common mistakes people make when dealing with relationship stressors: and explains how mentalization, a powerful brain-based skill, can help you resolve conflicts more effectively.
Mentalization refers to your capacity to understand and interpret behaviour in terms of underlying mental states: thoughts, feelings, desires, and intentions: both in yourself and others. When this skill breaks down, relationship stressors escalate. When it’s strong, even difficult conversations become opportunities for deeper connection.
What Are Relationship Stressors?
Relationship stressors encompass any situation that creates tension, conflict, or emotional strain between people. These typically include:
- Communication breakdowns : misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, or feeling unheard
- Life transitions : moving, job changes, becoming parents, or retirement
- Financial pressures : disagreements about spending, debt, or financial goals
- Intimacy issues : mismatched needs for physical or emotional closeness
- External pressures : work stress, health challenges, or family interference
The way your brain processes these stressors: and whether you can accurately read your own and others’ mental states: determines whether conflict becomes destructive or constructive.
The 7 Mistakes (and the Mentalization Fix)
Mistake #1: Assuming You Know What Your Partner Is Thinking
One of the most common errors in relationships is mind-reading: assuming you understand exactly what someone else is thinking or feeling without checking. Statements like “You obviously don’t care” or “I know you’re just trying to upset me” often stem from this error.
The Mentalization Fix: Mentalization requires you to hold your interpretations lightly. Instead of treating your assumptions as facts, treat them as hypotheses to be tested. Try phrases like: “I’m noticing I’m telling myself you’re frustrated with me: is that accurate?” This simple shift opens dialogue rather than shutting it down.
Mistake #2: Reacting to Behaviour Without Considering Underlying Emotions
When someone snaps at you or withdraws, it’s easy to respond only to the behaviour you see. But behaviour is often just the tip of the iceberg: beneath it lies fear, hurt, exhaustion, or overwhelm.
The Mentalization Fix: Pause before reacting and ask yourself: What might be going on beneath the surface for this person? This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviour, but it does mean responding to the whole person rather than just the momentary action. Research in interpersonal neurobiology shows that this kind of reflective pause actually changes brain activity, moving you from reactive limbic responses to more thoughtful prefrontal processing.
Mistake #3: Projecting Your Own Mental State Onto Others
Projection occurs when you attribute your own feelings, thoughts, or motives to someone else. If you’re feeling guilty about something, you might perceive your partner as judgmental: even when they’re not.
The Mentalization Fix: Strong mentalization involves distinguishing between what you feel and what the other person actually feels. Regular self-reflection helps here: “Am I responding to what they said, or to something I’m carrying into this conversation?” Journaling or therapy can help you develop this awareness over time.
Mistake #4: Shutting Down During Conflict (Stonewalling)
When relationship stressors feel overwhelming, the brain’s threat response can kick in: and for many people, this means shutting down completely. You might go silent, leave the room, or become emotionally unavailable. While this feels protective in the moment, it typically escalates conflict and leaves your partner feeling abandoned.
The Mentalization Fix: Stonewalling often happens when you lose the capacity to mentalize: both yourself and your partner become “unreadable” to you. The fix involves recognising your shutdown signals early (racing heart, tightness in chest, urge to flee) and communicating them: “I’m feeling flooded right now and need 20 minutes to regulate before we continue.” This keeps the mentalizing process alive rather than abandoning it.
Mistake #5: Focusing Only on “Being Right”
In the heat of conflict, it’s tempting to argue for victory rather than understanding. You gather evidence, build your case, and aim to prove your point. But relationships aren’t courtrooms: winning an argument often means losing connection.
The Mentalization Fix: Shift your goal from being right to being curious. What does this situation look like from their perspective? What needs are they trying to meet? Mentalization asks you to hold multiple perspectives simultaneously: yours and theirs: without collapsing into either one.
| “Being Right” Mode | Mentalizing Mode |
|---|---|
| Gathers evidence against partner | Seeks to understand partner’s experience |
| Listens to respond | Listens to understand |
| Treats disagreement as threat | Treats disagreement as information |
| Goal: Win the argument | Goal: Repair and connect |
Mistake #6: Ignoring Your Own Emotional Triggers
Many people focus so heavily on their partner’s behaviour that they overlook their own triggers. But if certain topics or tones reliably send you into defensive mode, understanding why is crucial to breaking the cycle.
The Mentalization Fix: Self-mentalization: understanding your own mind: is just as important as understanding others. Ask yourself: What does this situation remind me of? What old wounds might be activated here? Often, the intensity of your reaction points to something historical rather than purely situational. Addressing these patterns, sometimes with professional support, can dramatically reduce relationship stressors.
Mistake #7: Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind
Just as it’s a mistake to assume you know what your partner is thinking, it’s equally problematic to expect them to know what you need without telling them. Unspoken expectations breed resentment: “If they really loved me, they’d know.”
The Mentalization Fix: Healthy mentalization includes recognising that other minds are fundamentally opaque: no one can fully access your internal experience without your help. Clear, direct communication of needs isn’t a sign of relationship failure; it’s a sign of relational maturity. Replace “You should know what I need” with “I need to tell you what I need.”
Why Mentalization Matters for Your Brain
Mentalization isn’t just a communication technique: it’s a brain-based capacity that can be strengthened over time. Neuroscience research shows that mentalizing activates the prefrontal cortex, the brain region responsible for emotional regulation, perspective-taking, and thoughtful decision-making.
When relationship stressors trigger your threat response, the amygdala takes over, flooding your system with stress hormones and narrowing your thinking. Mentalization helps you re-engage the prefrontal cortex, creating space between stimulus and response. This is why brain-based therapy approaches: like those offered at Keystone Therapy: focus on building these neural pathways rather than just addressing surface-level behaviours.
Practical Strategies to Build Mentalization Skills
Building stronger mentalization takes practice. The following strategies can help:
- Pause before responding : Even a few seconds creates space for reflection rather than reaction
- Name emotions explicitly : Both yours and your partner’s. “I’m feeling defensive” or “It seems like you’re feeling unheard”
- Ask genuine questions : Curiosity is the engine of mentalization. “Help me understand what that was like for you”
- Reflect back what you hear : “So what you’re saying is…” confirms understanding before moving forward
- Notice your body : Physical sensations often signal emotional states before you’re consciously aware of them
- Seek professional support : A trained therapist can help you identify blind spots and practice mentalizing in a safe environment
For more on how stress impacts relationships, explore our dedicated resources.
When to Seek Professional Support
If relationship stressors are creating persistent conflict, emotional distance, or distress, working with a therapist trained in mentalization-based approaches can be transformative. At Keystone Therapy, we offer brain-based therapy services: both in-person in Perth and via telehealth across Australia: that help individuals and couples build the neural and psychological skills needed for healthier relationships.
Our neuro-counselling approach recognises that lasting change happens when we work with the brain rather than against it. Whether you’re navigating a specific conflict or seeking to strengthen your relationship foundations, professional guidance can accelerate your progress.
Ready to explore how mentalization-based therapy might help? Get in touch with Keystone Therapy to book a consultation.
